04:45 pm - Life Is Not A Beer Commercial It's February and the weather sucks so I've pretty much just been holing up in my wolf's den and being a sloth lately. I got my tax refund recently so I haven't had to walk around picking up cigarette butts or making epic walks to the free kitchen across town for about a month. I've been splurging on snacks, eating peanut M&Ms, fruit pies, brownies, Twinkies, that yummy frozen Stouffer's mac&cheese that I looooove and rotisserie chickens. I've been lying in my bed all hairy and naked with a whole chicken cradled up next to me nearly every night as I chomp into it like a subhuman and watch shit like the Ancient Aliens History Channel series, old film noir and monster movies on this site I recently found and laughing my ass off while watching all 15 episodes of Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory.
Goddam, I'm freezing my nuts off because it's fucking COLD! I think the high today is supposed to be 6 degrees or something, and it's been this way for the past six or seven days. Last week we had a fucking IcE SToRM, there was ice covering everything and I had to walk around town like a penguin everywhere; it took me twice as long to get everywhere I was going than it normally does. I do pride myself, though, on the fact that I haven't slipped on any ice and fallen on my ass during the winter for over seven years! I've made it a point not to do that shit anymore because the last time I did it was embarrassing as hell.
It was the winter of '04 and I was coming back from the liquor store one afternoon carrying a case of beer, walking back to a friend's house when all the sudden, VOOOOOOOP, I slid on some ice while walking downhill in the middle of this street, fell on my ass and the case of beer flew right out of my hand! I watched as the full case skidded away on the ice. At least a dozen of my beloved, full cans of beer fell out of the damaged box as it landed and rolled down the street in all different directions. I hurriedly got up off the ground, hoping no one had seen me fall, when all of a sudden I hear some girl shouting, "OMFG! Are you okay?!" I look up and it's some college girl hanging out the second story window of a nearby house, her and her two girlfriends fucking LAUGHING at me! I was really pissed off and just flatly said, "Yeah, I'm okay," then proceeded to walk around to pick up all my beer cans, knowing these chicks were looking at me and giggling. Then to make it even worse, I heard some fucking DUDES shout out from a patio across the street, "Hey, man, we'll help you pick up your beers if we can have a couple!" I'm like, "Nah, that's all right," wanting to beat their faces in, frankly.
I finally get to my buddy's house and tell him what happened and he was like, "Man, you had a perfect opportunity to fuck those chicks that saw you fall down!" I guess he thought when the chick shouted down to ask if I was all right, I was supposed to put my hand on my hip and grimace in pain and say, "No, I'm in a lot of pain, can you come down here and help me pick up these beers?" And then when she comes down to help me pick up the beers I was supposed to say, "Hey, do you and your friends wanna help me drink them?" Then once I've gotten these chicks drunk I'm supposed to FUCK them, right? LOL! Yeah, like my life really works that way. My life isn't some fucking beer commercial, I finally realized that day, which is why later in the summer of '04 I quit drinking for good, and I haven't fallen down on the ice since.
That Stouffer's mac and cheese is sooo yummy! It's got real cheddar cheese and tastes like the mac and cheese they serve at alot of buffets which I love.
Hahahaha, yeah, you're right, I probably should have tried something with the girls, like my buddy said. I guess I was just too pissed and embarrassed and didn't feel exactly "smooth" enough to pull it off after falling on my ass in front of them as my case of beer flew down the street.
Yeah, this winter blows! It's supposed to get up in the 40's here this weekend, though, so I'm optimistic! The earth is getting closer to the sun as I type! Yeah, last week for me was all about not slipping on the ice and watching the dreaded PUKERS win the Super Bowl. UGH!!
Thanks Parlet, I appreciate it! I don't know why I went so long without updating, it just kind of happened (or should I say didn't happen? lol). My condolences on your Steelers losing the SB, but hey, your "bridesmaid" team, the PUKERS still won, right? Hahahaha. I was actually rooting for the Steelers pretty hard once they got down 21-3 just because I didn't want to see a blow-out. They aren't really a team that's built to come back from that far behind, but they made it interesting toward the end!
Last year I was lugging a case of beer to my car, which required doing the 'stand on one foot propping the case against the car while keys are located' maneuver. A slightly tipsy Native guy was walking across the parking lot as I was maneuvering and he called to me "Hey! You dropped on!" and then we both laughed like loons when I actually craned around to make sure he wasn't bullshitting me.
Yeah, it's amazing how much attention you get when you're carrying a case of beer. All of the sudden every one is your friend or has some wise-crack for you. That drunk native guy was probably hoping that after he said, "Hey! You dropped one!" that you'd get startled and drop the whole case case so he could grab it, leave you with one can and say, "Hey! I left you one!" as he runs away. Hahahaa
LOL @ dick_lash! Good to see you around again, dude, and I was wondering when or if you'd ever be back around. I've been washing my dishes in the bathroom sink for about a month now cuz if I turn the hot water on for my kitchen sink the pipes beneath it will start leaking and won't stop. I've been living in this particular wolf's den for over ten years now and EVERYTHING in it is worn down and fucked up and if I call for maintenance it'll take them so long to fix all the problems in here that I'll probably have to stay in a hotel while they're doing it unless I want to look at the maintenance man's BuTT CrACK for a week!
Well, hello there, Esmerelda! It's sooo nice to see that Miss Russian Universe has finally returned from one of her adventures :=) Yes, I noticed that you hadn't posted in awhile and was wondering about you! I went a few weeks without posting, myself. I go through periods where I'm more inspired to make entries here than others. It all just depends and there is really no rhyme or reason to it.
Aaaah, yes, I kind of feel silly complaining about the cold weather when you live in RUSSIA which I'm certain is much worse. Hahaha. I can only imagine, really. There are actually places right here in the U.S. that have it much worse than I do, too, but I had to complain about the weather a little bit so it could lead into my embarrassing story of falling on the ice back in 2004 when I was still a drunken fool and you were a whopping 17 years old and ready to take on not only Russia but Myrtle Beach, too! You truly are Miss Russian Universe! LOL!