Log in

The Clouds In Heaven Have Hairs On Them

> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> Profile
> All My Websites
> previous 20 entries

tumblr analytics

Obama Taco Underwear
American Hairball
Hairy Alliance Network
My Facebook
My Twitter

September 7th, 2012

03:13 pm - Mitt Romney Oven Mitt-Themed Paintings
I moved in with Felix on August 1st and now after being there a month I think it will work out. I only need to live there for a year or so then hopefully I'll be able to move out and get my own place again. Having a roommate just isn't for me.

Anyway, at least I've been getting some artwork done. I've completed the first stage of my "Mitt Romney Oven Mitt, Enchilada and Magic Underwear" painting series. So far I've got five paintings on there and want to make at least three more before the election on November 6th. I'm getting these finished and online a LOT later than I should have. I should have started this series in February or so, right after Mitt was pretty much the Republican nominee, but now here I am with only a couple months to try and sell these things.

A couple weeks ago I finally sold my Obama/Michael Jackson "Noseless" painting for $120 but only after it had been sitting in my art store for a fucking YEAR AND A HALF and now here I have five paintings that are only going to be relevant for TWO MONTHS (unless the unthinkable happens and Mitt wins, of course).

Yes, I am aware that someone has already come up with "Oven Mitt Romney"(http://ovenmittromney.com) LOL, what bastards! That was my original name for this painting series, something simple, but screw it.

I decided to put speech bubbles in these Mitt Romney paintings, alot of text, I guess because I was influenced by all the comic books I've been reading the past year. The bad thing about them, though, is that it's hard to read the text in the pictures I took. On the website I've got larger images you can click to that make the text more legible, but I guess I'm not entirely happy with it. Fuck it. Somebody just buy the shit, please. LOL!!!!

Here's the fifth one of these I made, inspired by Paul Ryan being the vice-presidential nominee and all the talk of taking away Medicare. The page for it is http://ovenmitt.tacowerewolf.org/mittpainting5.html

I hope everyone is doing well and i hope to stop in here more often!

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

June 23rd, 2012

07:06 pm - Is It Time To Make An Update?
I haven't posted in this thing forever, nor have I really posted on any blogging/social networking formats much at all in the past few months. I'm still around and I still think I'll get back into a regular habit of updating online in one way or another. I've just sort of sank into an incubation period, I guess, and honestly, posting stuff online just hasn't interested me that much as I've just slipped into a rabbit hole of my own personal thoughts and haven't really felt I've got much to share. Awhile back I created a Tumblr Account on a Sunday afternoon when I was suicidally bored. And I dickered around with it for a few hours and realized I didn't really like it; couldn't figure out how to comment on most people's entries; the whole site just seemed kinda junky with all these bugs and glitches and little things about it I didn't like and I started getting a sinking feeling that it was just a waste of my time, at least at the time, so FUCK IT!!!!

I'm pretty sure I'm going to finally move out of my apartment at the end of July, after living in this cum-stained, dingy, tiny drab and dreary RAT HOLE wolf's den for eleven and a half years. I need something cheaper and I need to get back to living downtown. The bad thing is, I'm going to have a roommate and the roommate is an old adult bookstore troll from work. I've written about him in entries before (maybe not this particular journal?) and I've made him a character in stories I've written, giving him the codename of "Felix." He's actually kind of always interested me because he is rich but he is waaaaay creepy acting, extremely unkempt-looking and nobody ever talks to him. I've always found him to be amusing from a distance. He used to own two gay bars in town, one of which did VERY good business for a number of years, but now Felix is sort of semi-retired, having closed both bars down. He still owns a few rental properties in town and he's gonna have me doing odd jobs, helping with the upkeep of them, to help cut down on my rent expense. It could turn out working out well for me for a year or two, or Felix could try to murder me with an axe within the first month. Or chop me up and eat me after after putting something in my drink on my first night living with him. I really don't know.

Before I move I want to get a handful of final Obama Taco Underwear paintings finished and online. These will focus on Mitt Romney more than Obama, actually. I intended to get these done loooong before now, and to have alot more of them made than I'm going to end up having, but I've honestly had a difficult time being productive, creatively, lately. I swear, for the past year all I've really done is read comic books.

When I move in with Felix in August I plan to begin a brand-new project that I have in mind and hopefully begin upon a new era. And along with that I hopefully will be updating things more and being a bit more social and interacting more with you all. I'm sorry I've been such a sucky Internet pal, but if it makes you feel any better I've been a sucky friend to people in real-life, too, lately.

(8 comments | Leave a comment)

March 10th, 2012

03:29 pm - Barry Is Dead And Silver Bullets In My . . . Butt?

I was at work yesterday when my boss showed me the obituaries of my local paper. He saw someone in there that he thought he'd heard me talk about in the past. I looked and sure enough, my friend, Barry, whom I'd written about here concerning his getting his butthole sewn shut, had died. He died Monday. I actually hadn't seen Barry since October. Back then he was doing fine, had gotten a job driving a cab in town. He'd seen me way on the south side of town and gave me a free cab ride home, which I was very thankful for. It's funny because I specifically remember how during that cab ride he and I were talking about some dude who had died--just like that!-- and we were like, "Yeah, you never know, dude. One day you're here and the next day you're DEAD. So Barry is dead. He was 52. He was kinda creepy but a good guy, and he was my friend.

It's unfortunate because I don't actually know anybody else who knows him so there's no way I can find out how he died. I'm assuming some sort of health problem resurfaced, probably having to do with his digestive system, because all the paper said was that he was dead. I'd go to the funeral but it's up in Indianapolis where his family is from and I don't have any way to get up there right now.

Anyway, I watched a shitty werewolf movie last night, Red Riding Hood. I kinda figured it would suck but it had a (stupid looking, come to find out) werewolf in it and my boss, who knows of my Taco Werewolf identity and werewolf obsession, kept insisting that I watch it. Yes, my boss not only tells me what to do at work, but he also tells me what werewolf movies to watch at home. Hahahhaaa. Okay, I watched it, and it sucked liked I figured it would. What was the point again? LOLOLOL

Then there is Johnny Depp as Tonto in a new Lone Ranger movie I guess is coming out in 2013. I was looking at Depp in the pic and was like, "Oh My Goth! He looks just like the Crow!-- and then I was like, "Wait! he actually has a fucking CrOW on top of his fucking head!" Actually it might be interesting to put a bit of a dark angle on the Lone Ranger. I've always liked the Lone Ranger, actually, and have long hoped they'd make some werewolf connection with the Ranger's use of silver bullets.

(8 comments | Leave a comment)

February 5th, 2012

10:41 am - The Eyes Of The Werewolf Are Watching Your Taco

So it's been a long while since I've made an entry. I hope everyone who is still on here is doing well! I haven't done much on any of the social networks lately, haven't really spent that much time online. I guess my mind has just been elsewhere, my face in a comic book and my head planted firmly up my ass, lol. But today is Super Bowl Sunday and I'm just going to spend the day at the computer, dicking around and snooping around and trying to get back into things because I plan on renewing my online presence in a big way in the upcoming months. Oooooooh, what do I mean by that? SOUNDS ScARY!!!

Speaking of the Super Bowl, here is a fresh pic of me I just took in a new werewolf mask. I bought the damn thing months ago, around Halloween, at a grocery store, but just put it on for the first time today! For the past few months I've just had it hanging on the wall and staring at me, beckoning me to wear it while I just scoff at it and say, "Eh, fuck you, I'm not into it right now. I've got comic books to read, muther fucker!"

I actually prefer to paint my face in lieu of wearing a mask, to allot for facial expressions. I need to buy a new "Instant Werewolf Kit," though, at a local costume shop because the velcro on my old one is worn off. This new mask is kinda cool but the eyes don't look so hot, and it just overall looks kind of stiff. Maybe it's the angle, I dunno. It's basically just a mask to wear when I'm feeling too lazy to paint my face.

So do you want to come over to my werewolf's den and watch the Super Bowl with me? I've got on my Major League Baseball All-Star Game jersey and I'm ready to go! You'll have to get permission from the nurse in the lobby, though, to see if I'm allowed visitors today, if you want to come into my room. MY DiAGnosis is GRIM!! MuWAHAHAHA!!!

Oh and here's another little photo-op I did, elaborating on the pic above. Actually, football season sucked this year, in many ways, with my favorite teams, the Vikings and Colts, having awful, awful seasons.

Anyway, I really just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone!

(13 comments | Leave a comment)

September 6th, 2011

05:05 pm - My Busted Backpack And The Bum With Bad Timing
I think some rude woman told me to "shove my cigarette up my ass" today, but I'm not sure. All I could make out was the word "ass." My backpack BUSTED (Yeah the one my landlady gave me the other day is now BROKEN already) earlier out in the Kroger parking lot, spilling my groceries all over the ground. I'm pissed, of course, while picking them all up. I've got a cigarette hanging from my mouth and this woman comes up to me and asks if I have a "spare" one. I was really pissy and said, "No I'm not giving you a fucking cigarette." And that's when I heard her say something to me having to do with "ass." LOL. She might have been offering me HER ass for a smoke, but I doubt it.

What kind of person asks a complete stranger for a cigarette while they are on the ground picking up their damn spilled groceries?

(12 comments | Leave a comment)

August 17th, 2011

02:09 pm - My Landylady Gave Me A Backpack
Found out today my landlady has been looking for me all week. I'm caught up on rent so I was curious to know what she wanted. I got in contact with her today and found out she wanted to give me a BACKPACK?! LOL, I guess she'd noticed that the one I've been using the past five years is getting pretty mangy. Actually, I've had random strangers in town make comments to me about how mangy my backpack is. My landlady had seen a backpack some student had thrown in the dumpster and saved it for me. Very sweet and thoughtful of her.

The problem is I already found ANOTHER backpack a few days ago in the trash, and this one is better than the one my landlady gave me. I didn't have the heart to tell her and I don't want her to see me wearing a different backpack than the one she gave me. So now I'm kind of stuck wearing this inferior landlady backpack and this dilemma is really gnawing on me, so much so that I might just keep using my old MANGY BACKPACK and say to hell with anything new!

Too many backpacks is a CURSE!

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

02:08 pm - Got my 75 cents back from the bank today!
So I was downtown and needing a cup of coffee from the machine in the library the other day. I didn't have any change; my bank was nearby so I went in there and withdrew 75 cents from my account, lol. Then the next day I was checking out my balance and noticed they had posted my 75 cent withdraw TWICE! Yeah, I know it's only 75 cents but banks are EVIL and I wasn't about to overlook that crap so I went in there yesterday to complain. They made me wait in the lobby to talk to customer service and when I told the lady my problem she seemed annoyed that I was making a big deal over 75 cents. She said she'd have to file a "maintenance report" and have headquarters "investigate" to make sure I hadn't made TWO 75 cent withdrawals. She asked me if I wanted her to do this and I'm like DUH, yes! I know it's only 75 cents but it's MY money! Give me my 75 cents back!

Anyway, I just checked my account this morning and my 75 cents has been returned to me. I wasn't ABOUT to just overlook that crap!

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

July 5th, 2011

11:01 am - (Not Quite) Born on the Fourth of July

Mom and Dad came down to see me for my birthday a few days ago, on June 30th, and they got me the present above:"Captain America vs. The Red Skull," a compilation of Captain America's fiercest battles against that sinister, nefarious red-headed boney bastard Nazi, The ReD SKuLL!!! Spanning from Cap's days during World War 2 all the way up to the present day, this comic book is surely a treat for all red blooded American werewolves like me who weren't exactly "Born on the Fourth of July" but June 30th is pretty fucking close, dude!

I'm wanting to get in the habit of updating my blogs and Twitter/Facebook on a more regular basis but I've been having a hard time with some stuff and keep getting distracted. It seems like as soon as I kill off one wolf who is closing in on me, another, BIGGER and Badder one is right there ready to pounce. Although I actually have a handful of different "origin stories" for my "Taco Werewolf" persona, one of them revolves around the idea that a few years ago I was sick of all the figurative "wolves" around me trying to take a bite out of me and ruin my life, take away my tacos, and I figured the only way to counter them and win this war for my tender, sensitive soul was to become a wolf, myself, and that's what I fucking did. But even though I've managed to destroy a few of the wolves that have been after me, a few of the stronger ones still remain. So if I go awhile without posting that's what's going on. I am a werewolf out fighting the other wolves. And yes, in the end I fully intend to win this war, so don't you worry about that.

And lately, when I'm not fighting off wolves I'm either lying on my mattress in my wolf's den or out in the woods near my apartment reading COMIC BOOKS! Fuck yeah! Back in May I decided to get back into reading comic books after about a 25 year hiatus. I guess at some point when I was 12 years old I lost interest in them like a dumbass, but over the years since I've often thought about getting back into reading them but was always daunted over the prospect of catching up on 25 years of lost comic book continuity, trying to figure out who is who now, what are they fighting about; who died; who came back to life and what parallel worlds this and that super-hero are now living on but recently I just said FUCK IT and started diving in, no matter how confusing it all is or how many YEARS it takes. Luckily my local library has a vast collection of comic book back issue trade paperbacks and I'm already starting to get a pretty good handle on stuff. I've been primarily focused on my two favorite super heroes, Batman and Captain America, but I've been dabbling all over the place.

Starting in September DC comics is actually doing a reboot of all their titles, renumbering them all back to #1 to make it easier for new or lapsed readers to jump on board and that's when I'm going to start getting 10 titles a month, including a few Marvel titles. The ten titles I'm going to start getting each month are as such:

1)Batman (the old standby--who the fuck doesn't like Batman?)
2)Detective Comics (more Batman)
3)Action Comics (Grant Morrison starts writing this in September so it should be good and give Superman a lift)
4)Superman (I never used to be into Superman because he's so "goody goody" but I've recently decided to try to appreciate him more)
5)Ghost Rider (sentimental, nostalgia pick because I used to love him when I was a kid. But the new Ghost Rider that is just now coming out is a fucking GIRL?! I'm gonna lust after boney boobies, baby! Hell yeah!)
6)Moon Knight (my Moon Knight obsession is brand new, mainly due to his werewolf-connections in that it is rumored he was bitten by a werewolf which gave him his powers, but curiously enough he is not a werewolf)
7)Batwing (brand-new character to bring in a new modern age of diversity! Batwing is a black Batman is Africa! Hells yeah!)
8)Animal Man (I recently read Grant Morrison's Animal Man from the 80's and loved it. Animal Man is being brought back in September. It's with a different writer but I want to give it a shot.)
9)Captain America (living, breathing symbol of American idealism through the decades. Awesome)
10)Batman and Robin(Batman is now teaming up with the new Robin who just happens to be his 10 year old SON, Damian Wayne, who is a mean obnoxious brat and it should be a pretty funny and interesting dynamic.)

And so, not only do I have my FOOTBALL-related posts to isolate people who don't give a fuck, I'm sure to isolate even more by talking about comic books on occasion. Hahahhahaha! But that definitely won't stop me from leaving you with the cover of one of the bestest most awesomest comic books of all time, the story of when Captain America turned into CAP WOLF!! that I read a few weeks ago and utterly adored. I mean, it was an amazing story and contained absolutely everything a werewolf fan could ask for:

(9 comments | Leave a comment)

June 1st, 2011

03:12 pm - The Wise Sayings of Taco Werewolf
June has stormed in with a HoWL and the dog days of summer are soon to become the SiZZliNG WOLF DaYs of WONdER as, while meditating out in the wooded clearing near my apartment complex this past week (that I mentioned in yesterday's entry), I started to become inundated with all this insight and as I feverishly began to write the stuff down, I realized I had stumbled upon a new feature to add to my already stunning repertoire of entertainment and erudition: THE WISE SAYINGS OF TACO WEREWOLF!! Lol! Here are the wise sayings I've come up with so far and I'm sure there will be many more to come!

1)As a child I played with my navel.As a teenager I played with my nachos. As an adult I put cheese sauce in my navel and dip nachos in it.

2)The main difference between mice and men is that a mouse can be covered in hot sauce, put in a standard size taco shell and sold for under $1

3)Americans have the cheeseburger, Arabs have the shawarma, Greeks have the gyro, Italians have pizza, the Chinese have the egg roll, Mexicans have tacos and in my belly lies the United Nations of Nom Nom Nom.

4)Some people take the high road, some people take the low road. I choose to take whatever road you're not on because you've been eating refried beans

5)This is in memory of all the fallen taco soldiers I have devoured in my War Against Hunger. You were unarmed and I took advantage of you. For this, I apologize, but I swear I did it for the good of my country. (Memorial Day homage)

6)The grass is always greener on the other side. Except when your side is serving tacos and the other side has liver and lima beans.

7)If you love someone, set them free. If you hate someone, hide the nachos from them.

I've already posted these, one or two a day, this past week on my Twitter and Facebook. I'll continue to archive these sayings here once a week or every month or so but if you want to catch any of these new sayings LIVE and as they are released, please add me on either of these fine social networks. And don't forget to "like" them and RETWEET them, please, because in doing so you'll be doing an excellent service for me, yourself and all your friends.

(Leave a comment)

May 31st, 2011

01:20 pm - Scary Behind!

I just returned from lying down on my back with my werewolf mask on in this clearing in the woods behind my apartment complex for about an hour, and happy to be able to stare up at the clear blue sky for a change. I've got leaves and dirt sticking to my shirt and a couple small twigs in my hair but I don't give a fuck. It's the 31st and I don't want to go the whole month of May without a blog entry. The sun hasn't been out much the past couple months. It's been overcast and raining alot. Last week we had a tornado hit a part of my town. It knocked down all the trees in this park that I like to hang out in and now the entire park is roped off so I've resorted to doing my daydreaming and evil scheming in the woods near where I live. I think I'm going to find a chair to put in my secret little clearing and I'm going to go out there and read comic books with my werewolf mask on all summer, dream about tacos, and who knows, maybe someone, perhaps someone's bratty kids, will see me and go around town saying they saw a glimpse of BiGfOOT, lol!

"Mommy! Mommy! We saw Bigfoot out in the woods reading comic books today!" Hahahaha.

I masturbated a few more times last week than I usually do, due to the power going out in my apartment on two different occasions, two separate days due to storms, for about three hours each time. I mean what the fuck else are you going to do when the power goes out? lol

Although I do like staring up at the clear blue sky, the truth is that there is a big hairy man's ASS hanging over my head now that the clouds are gone, and you see the proof in the picture I've posted above. It all started early this morning when I was talking to my landlady. I'm getting very "behind" (hahahaa!) on my rent, far enough that I felt the need to "face the monster," so to speak and talk to my landlady in person about it (though she is actually very nice). I went in her office and said, "Yeah, I know I'm getting a little behind." She responded by saying, "Well, you now owe us $823!", which is over two months rent. I was a little shocked at the amount because I hadn't accounted for late fees and I exclaimed, "Oh man, I'm SCARY BEHIND, aren't I?!"

And as soon as I said "scary behind" I began to giggle inside. I imagine my landlady's snakey (but pretty) blue eyes expanding and darkening and merging together into a man's butthole. I then saw her platinum blonde hair (very nice, actually) expand outward from both sides of her face and morph into these HAIRY FUCKING MAN's BUTTCHEEKS and I found it hard to breathe, thinking about this ginormous fucking amount of money (by my income's standards) I owe this woman and I felt I was suffocating. I quickly asked her for a piece of paper. I went through a bunch of numbers in my head and I wrote out for her a payment plan for the next couple months, got the hell out of her office and briskly walked out into the woods, lied down and thought about how I was going to avoid being evicted. I now must spend the rest of the summer figuring out a way to get this hairy, sweaty stinky man's ass out of my face! GAWD! All I want to do is wear my werewolf mask, sit out in the woods and read comic books all summer and you're telling me I'm going to have to work more than usual because I'm ScARY BeHIND on my rent?

(8 comments | Leave a comment)

April 20th, 2011

09:20 pm - Just Let Me Smell It
Went to the community kitchen again today and ate. I saw the guy whose clothes I've been wearing. I was wearing his black and white-striped, buttoned-down shirt and pair of blue corduroy pants. I stood behind him as he was dumping his tray and he turned and looked at me, eyed my clothes up and down while I said to him, "Hey dude, what's up?" As I was hoping and kind of half-expected, he just sort of sighed and said, "Not much, man" and walked by me, having evidently resigned to the fact that I was the owner of his clothes now so FUCK HIM!! Hahahahhaa! Yeah, as I figured, this guy's got alot of other shit to worry about so he's just given up on the clothes thing and I'm sort of happy to serve as this walking, breathing well-dressed symbol of his need for self-improvement.

A funny thing happened before that while I was in line to get my food. This guy in front of me was holding this clear plastic drinking bottle. It was about a quarter full of what looked like it might have been beer--it was golden yellowish--but I personally kind of doubt if it was (and I seriously hope it wasn't piss). Bringing alcohol into the kitchen is a big no-no and the kitchen manager came up to the guy and asked him if his bottle contained alcohol. The kitchen manager is this tall, somewhat muscular, good-looking dude with a beard and pony-tail. He always has this black leather biker cap on, has a bunch of scary tattoos. I heard he was a musician and looks like he probably plays in some Molly Hatchet cover band or something. LOL. I give him respect, though, because managing that kitchen is hard, thankless work. I didn't realize how important he is until about a month ago he was on vacation for a week and the food fucking SUCKED while he was gone, it was absolute SLOPPOLA.

Well, anyway, this kitchen manager was confronting the guy in line in front of me about the contents of his bottle, thinking it might be alcohol. As I said, I kind of doubt that it was because everybody knows you can't come into the kitchen drunk, let alone standing in line in full view of everyone with a bottle of fucking beer. LOL, I mean, it would be an absolutely stupid thing to do. But even after the dude said that his bottle contained apple juice, the kitchen manager insisted that it might contain beer and he said to the guy, "Just let me smell it." Hahahahahaha! He actually says to this poor, broke-ass, hungry, cranky fucker in line, "JUST OPEN UP YOUR BOTTLE AND LET ME SMELL IT."

I mean, WTF? I realize the kitchen has to have policies but to act like asking someone to open up their drinking bottle to let you stick your fucking nose inside of it because their word isn't good enough for you just strikes me as invasive and offensive. So it's another one of those situations where I can see both sides. To the guy's credit, he wouldn't let the kitchen manager sniff his bottle; the manager told him he therefore had to leave the premises and the guy then stormed out of the kitchen, shouting, "Fuck you, man! Fuck you! I'm not gonna let you sniff my fucking drink, man! This food sucks, anyway!" It's anyone's guess whether the guy left because he actually did have beer in his bottle or if he just found the whole thing invasive and offensive.

I just found the whole thing funny. The whole time it was going on, and even while I was eating, I kept imagining the kitchen manager saying to the guy, "Is that your butt, man?" while he pointed to his ass.

"Yeah, it's my butt, whose else you think it is?"

"Just let me smell it," the kitchen manager says. "JUST PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND LET ME SMELL IT and if it is indeed your butt I'll let you partake in this wonderful feast I have prepared for you." LOLLOLOLOL! I guess I was musing on the power that the haves have over the have-nots when situations arise where they feel they need to use it while making the needy do the craziest kinds of bullshit things.

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

April 19th, 2011

11:45 am - I Look So Good In Other People's Clothes
My neighbor of eight years who lived right across the hall from me was recently evicted for not paying his rent. I didn't really talk to the guy that much but I liked him because he was quiet. He's some guy in his fifties, an aging hippy-looking type with big, puffy, matty semi-dreadlocked, greying hair and a pony-tail. He'd talked to me recently about how some sort of government benefits he was getting that helped him with the rent were about to run out or get cancelled and he was concerned that he was going to be out on the street soon. I guess he'd been out of his apartment for a month and I didn't even know it until last week when I saw the property management people in his room carrying out all the shit he left in it when they evicted him.

The guy didn't have a vehicle to help him move and no friends to help him so he was forced to leave behind most of his stuff when he got evicted, much to my landlord's dismay. One of the maintenance guys saw me looking into his open room and told me I could come in and have free reign over whatever of this guys shit I wanted for myself. LOL. So I went and looked around. I took some clothes, some dishes, a few forks and spoons and some vegetable oil. Oh yeah, and a couple packages of microwave popcorn. It's some kind of organic popcorn that smells like someone's ass while it's popping but it actually tastes pretty good!

Well yesterday I went to the community kitchen to eat. I was all decked out in this guys clothes. Hahahaa. I had on his shirt, his pants and even his fucking socks. I wasn't too worried about it because I didn't really expect to see the guy ever again, but lo and behold I'm standing in line to get some grub and this mother fucker comes into the kitchen and stands in line right next to me! I guess it makes sense that now that he no longer has a stove to cook on or a pot to piss in that he'd be coming somewhere for free food.

I'm like, "Hey, dude, how's it goin'?" and I said it tentatively, knowing his life was shit because he more than likely homeless now. "I didn't realize you moved out until I saw the property manager people moving out your stuff the other day," I said.

The guy starts telling me the sad story of how he got kicked out and at some point, in mid-sentence he looks at me and exclaims, "Hey man, is that my shirt?!"

I felt kind of awkward wearing this guys clothes in front of him but I decided to be honest and just keep it positive and said jokingly, "Yeah, man, I look pretty good in it, don't you think?"

"Yeah, man, you do," the guy said, nodding his head. I thought he was going to be cool about it until I turned my back to him and heard him snap, "So are you wearing my fucking UNDERWEAR too, dude?" I could tell he was getting cranky about the whole thing, that he was having a bad day, having gotten kicked out of his apartment, being homeless and having to eat at the free kitchen just to have to stand in line behind some ex-neighbor who was now wearing his clothes; but again, I decided to keep it positive and just replied, "Nah, I ain't wearing any underwear at all, actually, but I did take a few of your dishes and a bottle of vegetable oil, too"

"That's real cool, man, real cool," the guy said, and I could tell he was annoyed but what could he do? HE'S the one who left his shit in the apartment and I wasn't going to start taking his clothes off right there in public and I knew he wasn't going to try and beat my ass so I just got my food and made sure to sit far away from him. And I'm going to continue to wear the guys clothes, too, because I like them, frankly, so if this is going to be a continuous, awkward thing with him seeing me wearing his clothes at the free kitchen, fuck it, I'll deal with it. I'm not breaking the law by wearing his clothes; he can't beat my ass; I was never really "friends" with him to begin with so if it bothers him he's just gonna have to look the other way.

(8 comments | Leave a comment)

April 17th, 2011

12:08 pm - Maybe The Tomatoes Will Save Me
So it turns out that Professor Penis isn't dead after all. I saw him driving by me the other day in his cute little blue truck and the fucker didn't even wave. I have to admit that I sort of had this morbid hope that he was dead for some reason, like it would give me an excuse to be all melancholy and wistful for an afternoon or something. I could sit on a park bench downtown with my cup of coffee on a sunny April day, smoking cigarettes as I watch the pretty girls go by and stare at their butts while waxing sentimental about the death of Professor Penis. But not only is the fucker not dead, he has apparently become a stuck-up bastard. It's getting pretty bad when even some old porn store troll like Professor Penis won't even fucking wave at me or acknowledge me. I guess at the tender age of 85 he's finally decided to turn his life around and stop wasting it away prowling the dark, cum-stained hallways of the video arcade waiting for that perfect young college kid's cock to suck, that never comes.

I guess my property management company is trying to start this "community garden" thing where I live. One of the maintenance men was talking to me about it last month, asking me if I'd like to be involved and I was like, "Yeah, whatever" because I honestly thought he was talking out his ass and it would never happen. But lo and behold, the other day I see some dude out in the front yard with a rototiller getting it ready! They've actually carved out a pretty big space for it so now I guess I gotta go somewhere and get some seeds? LOL, I don't know shit about having a garden but I'm like why not? I'm going to try to plant some tomatoes, I think, and maybe some fucking HOT PePPeRS!!

Since I'm chronically late on my rent and always feel like I'm under duress and that any day they could get tired of my late-paying ass and tell me to get lost, I figure getting involved in this garden could help me. That way if I get so late on my rent at some point this summer that they want to evict me I can give them this sad face and say, "But I've got my tomatoes growing out in the garden!" Hahahhaaha.

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

March 27th, 2011

12:27 pm - More To A Free Throw Than Meets The Armpit

Woo Hoo! I was really hungry and needing some smokes really bad yesterday, was in the deepest of despairs, when I went to my mailbox and saw a check for $25.42 that was totally unexpected! I guess I'd gotten a sale from someone clicking on one of the hairy porn affiliate links on one of my websites and subscribing to one of the sites I am promoting. When this happens I get half the money and when my account balance exceeds at least $25 they send me a check. I haven't really been updating my hairy porn sites lately, haven't had a sale in over a year, so I quit checking my stats and had no idea I had a check coming. Yeah, it's fucking chump change and there are people who make tons of money as porn-resellers online. I apparently suck at it since I average about ONE sale a YEAR nowadays (lol!), though I use to get about a sale a week when I put more work into it. But hey, $25 got me two packs of Marlboros and some TACOOOOOOS!!

The big news here is that the small Indianapolis school, Butler University, about an hour from where I live, is once again in the Final Four of the NCAA Men's basketball tournament. They made it to the championship game last year but sadly lost to Duke. I'm not really a big basketball fan anymore but if they make it to the championship game again I might watch it. It looks like their next opponent will probably be Kansas which will be tough. The best thing about Butler doing well in my mind, of course, is that I like to giggle and refer to them as BUTT-LER. LOL! And everytime they win I say shit like, "The BUTT-LER did it!" or "BUTT-LER really kicked some BUTT last night, huh?" Hahahahahaa!

One good spark of inspiration I did get, though, from watching basketball a few years ago, is that I acquired this weird fetish for watching guys shoot free throws. I had this fascination with staring at their armpits as they raised their arms to shoot the ball and this led my coming up with ideas such as The Hairy Gay Armpit Carnival(NSFW! Adults only! Kinda gross!).

I think Professor Penis may be dead. No one has seen him come into the porn store for about three months. He was always spry for his 80-plus years of age but I know when you get that old suddenly you can fall down dead at any time, for whatever reason. The good thing about him possibly being dead is that I won't have to pay him back the two bucks I owe him, but the bad thing is that I actually thought he was kind of fun to talk to. There is this other old troll who I call "Droopy Dog," this sad looking, short older guy with the face of a Basset Hound, who I've on a number of occasions seen sitting on Professor Penis' lap in a booth, both of them butt naked as they watched movies together. I thought Droopy Dog might know what happened to Professor Penis so I asked him the other day and he played all dumb when I asked him, pretending like he didn't know who I was talking about. I wanted to say, DUDE, I SAW YOU BUTT NAKED SITTING ON HIS LAP IN A BOOTH NUMEROUS TIMES but I'm sure Droopy Dog would just deny it. It isn't like I really give that much of a fuck about Professor Penis; I'm just curious, is all, but it figures that Droopy Dog would make a shitty informant; most of our regular customers are totally worthless when it comes to anything other than sucking cock and jerking their puds. Or maybe I'm just a shitty interrogator. Or maybe I've just been watching too many "missing persons" shows on TV lately. LOL.

(Leave a comment)

March 3rd, 2011

08:07 pm - Me and My Unsafe Art
An online friend of mine that I met through my "Obama Taco Underwear" website and who has bought a bunch of my paintings over the past two years or so, sent me a link to this video. It's an excerpt from a documentary called "Painting in the Bright New Night" that his indie film director friend, Kon Pet Moon, is in the process of making. I guess the documentary has some sort of government art conspiracy theme and my friend is portraying "Robert Drazil," former director for the Federal Architectural Supplements Department, an agency whose mission is to go around to auctions and buy "safe art" to hang on the walls of government buildings. Now that Drazil no longer works for the agency, though, he can now buy "unsafe" art and, of course, the first place he comes to get said UnSaFE art is at my wolf's den! LOL!

This little video probably won't be as entertaining for others as it was for me, I don't guess, because he isn't talking about you or your art. For me it was really cool, though, because this is a guy who has really helped me out by buying my stuff and ordering a few commissions from me the past couple years; we've emailed numerous times but I've never met him. It was just cool to see him there with all my little babies; it almost brought a tear to my eyes and it made me cackle quite a bit. It's just cool to know that someone appreciates what you do on occasion.

There's another video where "Robert Drazil" talks about himself in general, but doesn't mention me, specifically, HERE. I'm looking forward to seeing the entire film because it seems like a novel idea.

(19 comments | Leave a comment)

February 9th, 2011

04:45 pm - Life Is Not A Beer Commercial
It's February and the weather sucks so I've pretty much just been holing up in my wolf's den and being a sloth lately. I got my tax refund recently so I haven't had to walk around picking up cigarette butts or making epic walks to the free kitchen across town for about a month. I've been splurging on snacks, eating peanut M&Ms, fruit pies, brownies, Twinkies, that yummy frozen Stouffer's mac&cheese that I looooove and rotisserie chickens. I've been lying in my bed all hairy and naked with a whole chicken cradled up next to me nearly every night as I chomp into it like a subhuman and watch shit like the Ancient Aliens History Channel series, old film noir and monster movies on this site I recently found and laughing my ass off while watching all 15 episodes of Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory.

Goddam, I'm freezing my nuts off because it's fucking COLD! I think the high today is supposed to be 6 degrees or something, and it's been this way for the past six or seven days. Last week we had a fucking IcE SToRM, there was ice covering everything and I had to walk around town like a penguin everywhere; it took me twice as long to get everywhere I was going than it normally does. I do pride myself, though, on the fact that I haven't slipped on any ice and fallen on my ass during the winter for over seven years! I've made it a point not to do that shit anymore because the last time I did it was embarrassing as hell.

It was the winter of '04 and I was coming back from the liquor store one afternoon carrying a case of beer, walking back to a friend's house when all the sudden, VOOOOOOOP, I slid on some ice while walking downhill in the middle of this street, fell on my ass and the case of beer flew right out of my hand! I watched as the full case skidded away on the ice. At least a dozen of my beloved, full cans of beer fell out of the damaged box as it landed and rolled down the street in all different directions. I hurriedly got up off the ground, hoping no one had seen me fall, when all of a sudden I hear some girl shouting, "OMFG! Are you okay?!" I look up and it's some college girl hanging out the second story window of a nearby house, her and her two girlfriends fucking LAUGHING at me! I was really pissed off and just flatly said, "Yeah, I'm okay," then proceeded to walk around to pick up all my beer cans, knowing these chicks were looking at me and giggling. Then to make it even worse, I heard some fucking DUDES shout out from a patio across the street, "Hey, man, we'll help you pick up your beers if we can have a couple!" I'm like, "Nah, that's all right," wanting to beat their faces in, frankly.

I finally get to my buddy's house and tell him what happened and he was like, "Man, you had a perfect opportunity to fuck those chicks that saw you fall down!" I guess he thought when the chick shouted down to ask if I was all right, I was supposed to put my hand on my hip and grimace in pain and say, "No, I'm in a lot of pain, can you come down here and help me pick up these beers?" And then when she comes down to help me pick up the beers I was supposed to say, "Hey, do you and your friends wanna help me drink them?" Then once I've gotten these chicks drunk I'm supposed to FUCK them, right? LOL! Yeah, like my life really works that way. My life isn't some fucking beer commercial, I finally realized that day, which is why later in the summer of '04 I quit drinking for good, and I haven't fallen down on the ice since.

(13 comments | Leave a comment)

January 13th, 2011

08:39 pm - Saints Alive! The Seagulls Aren't Dead Yet!
seahawks seagull

Well, since I jinxed the Colts last week with my face-painting and blue corn ritual (they lost to the Jets! waaahhhhh!) I thought I'd try to redeem myself by doing another "fan photo-op" this week, but as a (admittedly bandwagon!) fan of the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS!!

The Sea Gulls--as I like to call them because I like to chuckle when I think of their kicker making a field GULL, LOL!--became the first NFL team to get into the playoffs with a losing record this year (not counting the strike year of 1982) with only seven wins and nine losses, and this past Saturday they actually BEAT the defending Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints to also become the first team with a losing record to ever win a playoff game! And they still have a losing record at 8-9! Hahahaha! My, my, what GULL these guys possess and what an unruly group of UNDER BIRDS they must surely be when they head off to their next game in Chicago against the Bears this Sunday! The prospect of them going to the Super Bowl is just too hilarious and bizarre to ponder, and since I want to have a "dog in the hunt," so to speak, to go along with the BIRDS IN my BeLFRY for the remainder of the play-offs, I've taken to suddenly becoming a SEAGULL FAN FOREVAAAH! (or perhaps just for the next one to four weeks, or more than likely until they get beat by the Bears this Sunday because I've surely jinxed them now!)
seahawks seagull

Strangely enough, last Friday night, the day before the Seagulls/Saints game, I was at home watching Steven Segal:Lawman on my computer (and I'm not afraid to admit that's what I was doing on a Friday night, I'm a grown man and can do what I want! hahaha!) and a premoniton came to me. I'd actually never seen this show before and it took me awhile to realize that Steven Segal is a deputy sheriff in Jefferson parish of Greater New Orleans, that's where the show takes place, and it was only when he was arresting a group of thugs who had a NEW ORLEANS SAINTS sticker on their windshield that it dawned on me that Steven's last name of Segal sounds a helluva lot like SEAGULL! LOL! And the fact that I was watching him--one day before the Seagulls/Saints game--arresting these New Orleans Saints fans, these thugs who were anything but "Saints," of course, portended to me quite clearly that the SEATTLE SEAGULLS WERE GOING TO KICK THE NEW ORLEAN SAINTS ASSES Saturday, and they did! Who the hell needs Tarot cards and horoscopes when you have Steven Segal:Lawman predicting the future for you, right?
seahawks seagull

It's funny because I was at work at the porn store just today. A chronic, degenerate masturbator (otherwise known as a "regular" where I work) and I were discussing football and how we both want the Seagulls to win it all now that the Colts' season is over, when another customer came in wanting to buy tokens so he could go back in the video arcade to search for a dick to suck. This customer had one of those respirator thingies attached to his nose, which isn't a big deal, but I noticed he also had a backpack and it is store policy to have customers leave their backpacks behind the counter before they go in the back to masturbate, suck cock, or whatever. So I said to him as he headed towards the arcade, "Sir, you need to leave your backpack behind the counter." The guy then showed me how the tube attached to his nose was actually going into his backpack and that inside his backpack was where he kept his oxygen tank. Of course, I wasn't about to tell him, "Too bad, you have to leave your oxygen tank behind the counter, too!" or anything (lol!), but I did jokingly say to him, "Alright, you can take your backpack back in the arcade as long as you're a SEA GULLS fan. The customer then smiled and his eyes grew wide as he said, "Well I don't know much about football but I am a fan of SEMEN and SEAcock sucking. I guess you could call me a "SEMEN GULL." Hahahahaa! He then laughed and I laughed, too, and said, "Good enough, then!" Hee! Hee!

And speaking of SEA MEN, thinking of all these birds that float about the water compelled me to get out my old Navy uniform and take a picture of myself in it. I hadn't worn it since I was last in the Navy back in 1992. To tell you the truth I didn't even know I still had it until I was cleaning out my closet the other day. Unfortunately, the pants didn't fit me so I had to do this photo-op in my underwear and I hope you don't mind. I personally find it appropriate. If the Seagulls are the UNDER BIRDS it only makes sense that I root for them in my UNDER WEAR, right? I hope you would all agree! Hahahahahaa!
seahawks seagull

(10 comments | Leave a comment)

January 5th, 2011

07:42 pm - The Blue Stampede And Blue Corn NACHOOOOS

Well, my beloved Minnesota Vikings had an unexpectedly miserable football season that is finally over now, mercifully, but I can always count on my local Indianapolis COLTS to get into the playoffs and make a run for the Super Bowl. The Colts haven't won as many games as usual this year but they did win their division, are the #3 seeded team in the AFC, and are playing in the post-season for the NINTH YEAR IN A ROW!! Woo-Hoo! I'm so excited that I decided to get out my "Instant Werewolf Kit," some blue paint and do a little photo-op for the occasion. Yep, I'm a "face painter," if anyone remembers that particular Seinfeld episode. Hahahaha. GO BLUE STAMPEDE!! The blue corn taco and tortilla chips are photo-shopped into the above pic (I know, you can hardly tell, right? lol) but this Friday when I get paid you can bet your hairy blue ass that I'm going to find some blue nacho chips for REAL(hopefully the store will have them) and eat them babies while I watch the Colts stampede all over the New York Jets this Saturday night.

In these pics I'm wearing my brand-new Colts hoodie that my mother got me for Christmas that features Colts' wide-receiver, #85, Pierre Garcon (pronounced Gar-SOHN-- it's Fraunch!), the Blazin' Haitian With The Flaming French Name! Hell yeah! My mom said she went to Wal-Mart or Target or some shit and they had a bunch of Colts gear on sale. She got me a shirt as well as all my nieces and nephews. We all put our shirts on soon after receiving them and formed a sea of blue in my sister's living room as we all watched in abject DISGUST as my brother-in-law, who is from Chicago and only married my sister a little over a year ago (I barely know him, actually), opened up a present from HIS mom that was a mother fucking CHICAGO BEARS hoodie! Me and my nieces and nephews were all like, "BOOOOOOO! You're in Colts country now mother-fucker! This is a fucking Colts family!" And the moment he tried to start talking shit back about how the Bears are soooo good this year, my oldest nephew reminded him of bumbling Bears quarterback, Rex Grossman, in Super Bowl 41 in 2006 and how the Colts won that game pretty handily by a 29-17 score.

(18 comments | Leave a comment)

January 1st, 2011

02:18 pm - Boning It Up For The New Year
Happy New Years, everybody! I didn't do a damn thing to celebrate last night. I quit drinking alcohol back in August 2004 so a holiday whose main theme seems to be everyone getting smashed on their ass as they watch a big ball fall down from a building in Times Square or City Hall or from the top of their own refrigerator or wherever the fuck doesn't really matter a whole lot to me, at least it didn't this year. I'd rather play with my own balls, thank you, and I actually did quite a bit of that last night. Hahahahaa. I played with my hairy balls last night and this morning I woke up with a wonderful case of NEw YEAR'S WooD between my legs! The wood was so wonderful, in fact, and it made me feel so optimistic and hopeful about the upcoming year that I decided to snap a quick photo of myself BONING IT UP as I get prepared for the loooooong and haaaaaard remainder of the winter. A funny thing happened as I was grabbing my camera while trying to think naughty thoughts so as to maintain my erection. I stepped on a Taco Bell wrapper that was on my floor and I immediately got this idea of how cool it would be if I were to try and eat 2,011 tacos by 2012. I did the math real quick and that's just a little over five tacos a day! All these thoughts passed through my brain as I set up my digi-cam, pressed the "self-shoot" button and amazingly was able to maintain my boner to create the MASTERpiecE of a picture below!

Click to read rest of entry. NSFW! Adults Only! May offend some peopleCollapse )

(19 comments | Leave a comment)

December 27th, 2010

05:54 pm - Get Your Hands Off My Christmas Money And Eat Your Blueberry Muffin, Kid!
I had a pretty nice Christmas with the family over the weekend. Friday night Mom and Dad picked me up and drove me their house. Halfway there we stopped at a Taco Bell where I feasted on TACOOOOS, eating twelve of them babies, to my parents amazement. Though I have given my family vague hints and clues as to my secret "Taco Werewolf" identity, they really have no idea what tacos truly mean to me and how tasty I find them! Though I hate keeping my identity secret from them, if I told them I'd have to kill them show them pictures of me in my werewolf mask and underwear and I really don't want to go there!

Saturday, Christmas evening, I got $200 as a present from mom and dad! YAAAAAY! One of my little nephews, Paul, was sitting next to me on my sister's sofa as I opened both of the little boxes my mom had separately and carefully wrapped the two $100 bills in. As I opened each box, Paul's tiny eyes lit up and his little six-year old hand reached out to grab the money as I swatted it away and said, "I. Don't. Think so, dude!" LOL! Sunday morning I went to church with the family, just playing along with the normal family routine, and this same little nephew was sitting beside me on the pew. I was trying to listen to the sermon as this little rascal kept fucking reaching underneath my ass and trying to grab my fucking WALLET so he could steal my X-mas money! I'm like, "Paul, what the hell are you doing?" and he says, "I want your $200 so I can buy a spaceship!" LOL! I tell this twerp, "Look, for one thing, spaceships don't exist and even if they did they'd cost alot more than $200 so quit grabbing at my butt, will you?"

On Christmas morning we had our traditional Christmas breakfast which is standard breakfast fare-- bacon, pancakes, biscuits and gravy, eggs, etc.-- with the exception that on Christmas morning my mommy always adds a big ole mess of fried POrK ChopS to the mix! Hell yeah! Fried pork chops is GOOOOOOOD.

Back in the day we used to always have blueberry muffins on Christmas morning, too, until it led to my oldest sister, Wendy, getting a spanking from my Dad back in '79, when I was nine years old and she was five. My dad grew up very poor and food was hard for him to come by. As a result of this, when my dad grew older and raised his own family, he was severely strict about making all of us kids eat at least one helping of everything at dinner, and we had to clean up our plate or get our asses beat! LOL! You would think that my father would relax a little on the rules on Christmas morning but he didn't. On Christmas morning of '79, my sister pleaded with my father, telling him she didn't like blueberry muffins and that she'd be unable to eat a whole one. My father would hear nothing of it and I watched, sitting across the dinner table and laughing at my sister as she grimaced and choked down a couple bites of blueberry muffin as my dad scowled at her and commanded her, "EAT ALL OF THAT MUFFIN OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET A WHIPPING!" I liked blueberry muffins so it was all hilarious to me. I scarfed about two or three muffins down, no problem; ate my porkchops happily and delighted in the prospect of one of my sisters getting a whipping because, of course, it was usually me who got the whippings in my family.

My whole family was made to sit at the table and endure the Christmas blueberry muffin drama. We all sat there and stared at my poor sister for about an hour as she cried and tried to eat the muffin, but couldn't. Finally my sister said to my dad, "Daddy, are you really going to whip me on Christmas?!" to which my dad said, "I hate to do it, but you kids need to learn the value of a dollar and how hard food is to come by." He then got the paddle out of the closet and bent my sister over his knee at the dinner table in front of the whole family, and commenced to beating her ass as she screamed and screamed. Admittedly, during the beating even I ceased to find the humor in it at a certain point and was thankful when my mother, having finally seen enough, stood up and shouted at my dad, "Willard, stop! That's enough! I think she's learned her lesson!" From that Christmas morning onward, my mom never made blueberry muffins again and to this day, whenever I eat a blueberry muffin I think of that horrible Christmas day.

It was funny because this past Saturday morning as we all sat at the table for Christmas breakfast, I just had to be a smart ass and said to my mom, ""What? No blueberry muffins?" LOL! My sister, Wendy, who is in her late-thirties now, frowned at me, severely annoyed, and said, "I can't believe you'd bring that up!" I looked at my dad, who has mellowed out alot over the years and he seemed a little sheepish, as if pretending he didn't hear me because I think he actually looks back upon what he did to my sister that dark Christmas morning with regret.

(7 comments | Leave a comment)

> previous 20 entries
> Go to Top